5am
again,
drunk on someone else’s love,
or couch,
and I’ve never felt more at home.
I fled myself,
from the life I’ve built
because I’ve been inhabiting routines I don’t want to stand for.
Inhabiting skin I’d rather shed
but still took on
like a soldier serving his country,
for that’s what they told me to do.
But I was not
strong
or wise,
but young and foolish,
for what is this thing? Trading passions for a tiny bit of acceptance,
and I am not a Sunday morning inside four walls
with clean blood
and organised drawers.
I am the hurricane setting fire to the forests
at night when no one else is alive,
or awake,
however you choose to see it,
and I live in my own flames.
Sometimes burning too bright and too wild
to make things last
or handle
myself or anyone else
and so I run.
Run run run,
far and wide
until my bones ache and lungs split
and it feels good.
Hear that, people? It feels good,
because I am the slave and ruler of my own body
and I wish to do with it exactly as I please,
and living in this skin is hard and painful, most of the times, because I never volunteered to take this on. The daily sacrifice of heart over mind,
the forever on going task of explaining this and that,
and why I don’t want to look like this and
be like that
but still here I am and if this is the body I’ve been given I’m sure as hell gonna make it work.
If this is the place I’ve been given, I’m sure as hell gonna make this work.
So I fled the me that was never really me and I’m on my way.
To newer lands and uncleaned streets
for I’ve had enough of childish safety in comfort.
Enough of all telling me to look and do, like this and that,
and I never meant to please anyone but myself
and you can call me selfish,
throw words like knives in the dark
but I will not listen,
for not listening to sharp words
brought me to where I am today
and I believe in the path I’ve been given.
If my only task in this life is to walk it,
I surely will walk it
prouder than anyone else.
If this is the path I’ve been given,
I will walk it
prouder than anyone else,
for no one else can.
// from You're Doing Just Fine
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